Monday, August 07, 2006 . 8/07/2006

Anyone who has ever bothered to read this blog probably thinks I am a loser or an emo who hates life and society and all that. Loser yes, emo no. I try not to sound too much like I'm really depressed, but sometimes my opinions on things are so strong that it's hard not to.

I am a loser, I admit. It's not my fault I was born with mild depression and social anxiety, so I guess you could say I was a born loser. Or maybe I've gained these illnesses over time considering what I've went through.

Back in kindergarten I was a bit shy.. I've always been shy when I was little. But I had friends. See, that's the good thing about being a little kid: You can't get self-concious, because how you look or act isn't a big factor for you then.

First grade I had friends too. I still remember my parents carrying me in the school, me being all nervous and wondering where the hell I was. Everyone was given a nametag, and since I didn't know it was the beginning of the year I thought everyone had nametags just for me and maybe a few other new kids. At the very beginning of recess these two girls came up to me and asked where I wanted to play. I pointed to some structure I thought spinned around but once we got there I realised it didn't.. anyway, they asked me if I was new to the school and everything, and I readily answered and even came up with other topics to talk about.

Up to 4th grade I was happy. Everyone knew my name.

However, when 4th grade hit, I went to another school. It was my choice since the 4th grade class at my old school always sang, and I didn't like that. So, off to a new school I went.

I was welcomed and I tried to make friends but couldn't. I found it was hard to talk. This is where my social anxiety really must have kicked in. I remember a girl asking why I was so shy and I said "I'll try not to be". It was horrible.

After only one year in that school I went to another. No one really welcomed me and whenever anyone talked to me I couldn't force any words out of my mouth. I went to this school up to 7th grade then attended a public school.

I liked this school since you could wear pretty much whatever you want, and there was no pointless "bible study" or stupid songs. No one welcomed me when I came to that school, one I wish that I would have went to from the very beginning. Two years I have wandered those halls friendless and wishing with all my heart I had atleast one friend. Near the end of the year this girl invited me to sit with her group of friends and so I did, but I didn't talk unless spoken to. I really wanted to be friends with these people since they were interested in computer games and such. The year after that was different. Everyday I sat by myself at lunch and read. Only once did someone try to strike a conversation with me but I got so self-concious and nervous that it was impossible. I tried to be more conversational but couldn't.

Now here I am, and summer vacation is nearing an end. I'm not worried though, since this year I will be taking online classes. No rooms to memorise, no people to run into.

My mom wants me to find some hobby or somesuch involving people so I wouldn't be in the house and alone all the time. People annoy me greatly yet I wish their company, I wish to be part of society and for others to know I exist. I hate it.

So in short, yes, I am a loser. I have everything going in the loser department aside from looks. It wasn't until about 8th grade that I started to care about my looks. I didn't want to be ugly or look like a loser, no matter if I was one or not. So I got contacts and in 9th grade started to wear eyeliner and maskara. Now that I'm home pretty much all the time, there's really no point in looking nice, but I want to anyway. It makes me feel better and I like to know that atleast if I am friendless, I don't have to be ugly. Many people in my position would just stop caring for themselves all together, but I'm not like that. Upon sight you would never know I was friendless, and besides taking care of myself just feels good. 0 Comments - Post/view comments