Wednesday, October 18, 2006 . 10/18/2006

Sometimes I wonder why the hell I even bother to write in this stupid blog. Who is going to read all this crap? Why should I have a public blog when I mostly write in it for myself? Oh well. I don't care. And if anyone reading this doesn't care - move on, nothing to see here.

Still there? You must have no life, or are severely bored. Like me! Don't you feel special? Come on, admit it, I know you do.

Anyway..

Lately I've been feeling like a ghost trapped in time, or something. It's been gloomy the past few days, which I like, but.. I just feel more alone than usual. Sure, I have my two dogs with me and my two cats, and my parents when they come home from work.. but lately I felt that I just really want to spend time by myself, reading and thinking and sleeping or whatever.

It's scary for me to think about the future. How will I ever go through life with social anxiety? Some may say to just "get out there and face your fears", but I've been doing that for years in school and it does nothing to help me. Maybe it's because I wasn't brave enough to take risks and actually go up and talk to someone. I was afraid of getting ridiculed.

What will I do for a job? To be honest, I really have no idea. I could work at Borders for awhile, but I couldn't do that all my life.. and what would a philosopher do, sit there and think all day? Come up with theories? Do they even get payed? I often find myself hoping the world will somehow end before I need to head out on my own.

What is the point in thinking about why we're here, and how the world started? Will that really get us anywhere? They are just theories, and science can't prove nor disprove either. I think it's because people need some reason for living. We fear the unknown, but at the same time are curious about it. Many times I found myself thinking, "What if we lived inside some computer, and aren't really real at all?" Something like The Matrix.. and, years later, I found that some other people were wondering the same thing. I had no idea there were other people out there that had just a crazy, weird mind as mine.

Maybe people are just taking this whole "why are we living" thing too far. Maybe we're just here to live, reproduce, and die. Maybe it's nothing more than that. But I also find myself wondering.. what's the point in just being here to reproduce and die? Why do things exist? It just makes my mind spin.

I wonder if thousands of years from now, people will come across this blog. Or any other blog, for that matter. Would people think our lives are strange, even fascinating? Will my home be destroyed from years of weathering, my things buried, and will people come across it and report their findings? Study them, tried to figure out how we lived? What will movies be viewed as, ancient ways of documenting things? Will The Lord of the Rings become some new holy bible that worships Frodo or Gandalf? If so, will rebels rise from this and claim to worship Sauron? Will people take this like it is all very real, like people in various religions do today? Or perhaps the belief in gods will be gone, and people will finally understand that gods are just myth. Or are they? Why the fuck am I even bothering to wonder about all this? 0 Comments - Post/view comments