Thursday, January 11, 2007 . 1/11/2007

Lastnight I couldn't sleep because my pillows were uncomfortable. I had this headache on one side of my head and my neck was sore. Taking a shower helped but it feels like it's coming back.

The night before last, I had these really weird dreams. I was in this apartment or something, and there was this giant bible written in some weird language propped open on a dresser. I was looking at it, and my grandma from my mom's side was all "You can't understand this language", and I was about to say something to challenge her on her petty faith when she came towards me and started to pinch me really hard. I just sat there, trying not to cry, and then she ran away.

Later on I had a dream where I was in this barn and my family such as my grandparents and grandparents were sitting around a dangling chain in these foldable chairs. I was to go to the chain and unlock it while everyone stood up and chanted something, but before everyone stood up, my grandma said something like "You'd better bless yourself" and I replied with "What good will that do?" and the weird 'ritual' began. Moments later, someone commented that the chains were moving and everyone ran out yelling "demons!".

There are other parts of the dream that I failed to mention but they're way to weird to explain.

Besides the weird-ass dreams, everything has been the same. I've been in the house, sleeping, reading, going on the computer. I should be doing my schoolwork, but the thing is, assignments don't count, only the exams do. So I have no motivation to study, and it's just easier to cheat. I hate myself for being so lazy. I've always thought that useless people that don't contribute to society should die, but I'm one of those people. It has to change. I am NOT a loser, I just lack friends. And before you go on thinking "But omgz that's the definition of a loser!", let me just explain something.

Ever since 4th grade, social anxiety started to kick in. I kept going to school until 9th grade, and now I do my schoolwork at home. Before the 4th grade I had friends, but I ended up changing schools twice. I became more sensitive to noise, and being around people and talking to them scared the hell out of me. Being at home helps me with this, since there's no extra idiots talking out of turn in class and no other extra people around. Because I'm not overstimulated anymore, I've become less anxious around people, but noise still bothers me.

Any friends that I had outside of school moved to different states, and only one remains that I can talk to but she's annoying as hell.

So how does this make me any less of a loser? Well, for one, you wouldn't know that I'm some person without friends or a life just by looking at me. Second of all, I'm not just some idiot blockhead who decided to ditch school because "it's what the cool kids do". Being alone lets me learn a lot more than what I normally would in class. I read, I watch the History, Discovery, and Science chanel. I'm not completely useless.

Some people who are bored enough to end up reading this still might say that I'm a loser or a nerd, but you know what that makes them? Ignorant. There are more ways to live life than partying and doing drugs. 0 Comments - Post/view comments