Friday, November 30, 2007 . 11/30/2007

I feel terrible right now. I feel so anxious and I don't know why. My arms and hands are numb, I am cold, and I have butterflies in my stomach. I feel almost exactly like I did when I had to go to the dentist (but didn't). Maybe I'm feeling this way because I know it's going to have to be rescheduled. Uhg.. why do I have to anxious over such trivial things?

And another thing.. I'm starting to get obsessive in playing Horizons. I want to be known, I want people to like me, I want them to notice me. If someone is role playing I want in on it, even if it's just one line. I guess it's because since I'm too nervous to go out in the real world, I look for belonging in the virtual one. I hate it. Yet when I go in public, I also want people to notice me, but at the same time I don't.

Why do I have to be this way? Like I said in an earlier post, I'm a logical thinker in everything EXCEPT social anxiety, paranoia, etc. And I remember being this way ever since I was a small child.. if I had to go to the bathroom I would just stand there instead of asking for permission from the kindergarten teachers because I was too scared. Up until 4th grade it was pretty mild, but when I switched schools then it got so much worse. I couldn't talk to anybody AT ALL. Then I got switched to another school after just one year.. this time to a non-religious one but it still had a pretty strict dress code.

Anyway, grade 5 had to be the worst thing that has happened to me by far. Just because I was quiet, the teachers decided to put me into this special ed class. Every other day a special ed teacher would pull me from my regular classes for an hour to test me on crap such as spelling, putting together trivial puzzles, and they even asked me to do jumping jacks and throw a ball in the air then catch it. At the time I didn't realize what was going on, but now I do. Because I wasn't a loudmouth, they thought I was stupid. Well guess what? The tests they gave me proved I was actually very smart after all. Needless to say, my parents complained when I told them about these "special classes" and the teachers finally left me alone. I wasn't the only one they treated like this, though. My [only] friend in that school got put through these ridiculous "tests" as well, for the same reason: she was quiet.

I stayed in this school until 7th grade and switched to a new one, a public one (with a MUCH more lenient dress code) up until about grade 10. After that I finally convinced my mom to let me do schoolwork at home. Taking correspondence classes has helped, and I'm getting better. But it's those times when the anxiety hits full-force I can't stand.

And just for the record, I have no idea how writing about my feelings turned into a rant about my life story; don't ask.

Labels: Personal

0 Comments - Post/view comments